Stolls' Show Presents: Rustlers
by nomnom15
Summary: When a Greek prince of Athens (Perseus Jackson) meets the Roman prince Felix (Leo Valdez), a hilarious adventure begins as the two fight to prevent their cities from waging war when the Greeks accuse the Romans of stealing their culture. Rated T for coarse language, suggestive content, drug/alcohol references, and comedic violence.
1. Introduction (Author's Note)

_**I have been absent for longer than I can remember. It's been years. The show, great, that was my most popular fanfic. But eventually I grew to caught up in school, and now college, and I forgot about it all. However, I never leave things unfinished. The last chapter of "Stolls' Show" promised you all a spin-off. And that is what you will get. Here is the information for the aforementioned "film," and directly succeeding it is the first chapter.**_

* * *

**Olympic Entertainment Presents **

**In Association with Hephaestus TV **

**A Stoll Brothers Film **

**"Rustlers" **

**Perseus Jackson **

**Leo Valdez**

** Annabeth Chase **

**Drew Tanaka**

** Nico Di Angelo**

** Travis Stoll **

**Connor Stoll **

**Piper McLean**

** Timothy Runda **

**WITH **

**Athena **

**Ares **

**Aphrodite **

**AND **

**The Hunters of Artemis**

* * *

**Directed By: **

The Stoll Brothers

**Executive Producer: **

Hephaestus

**Written By: **

The Stoll Brothers

Perseus Jackson

Leo Valdez

**Based On a Story By: **

Perseus Jackson

**Starring: **

Perseus Jackson

Leo Valdez

Annabeth Chase

Drew Tanaka

Nico Di Angelo

Travis Stoll

Connor Stoll

Piper McLean

Timothy Runda

**Distributed By: **

Olympic Entertainment

Hephaestus TV

**Budget: **$30 Million

* * *

**PLOT SUMMARY:**

When a Greek prince of Athens (Perseus Jackson) meets the Roman prince Felix (Leo Valdez), a hilarious adventure begins as the two fight to prevent their cities from waging war when the Greeks accuse the Romans of stealing their culture.

* * *

**CAST:**

**Perseus Jackson** as **Andy**: The forgotten fourth son of Theseus, the founder of Athens. Andy is an aspiring scribe, and leads his friends on a dangerous adventure to prevent war between Athens and Rome, involving a multitude of monsters, Gods, and otherworldly creatures. On his character in the film, Jackson said, "he's cynical and he's snarky. You either love him or you hate him, but he has a redeeming quality about him that you definitely see throughout the film. He and Felix start out as bastards; they all kinda do. But it's a strong friendship he builds with those people and it's really the centerpiece of the script." Jackson both lost and gained close to ten extra pounds of muscle in real time throughout the film, in order to show the character's physical growth from skinny to lean realistically.

**Leo Valdez** as **Felix**: The unheard of prince of Rome. Felix leads a rag tag group of mortals and demigods alongside Andy to prevent a war between their cities. Valdez recounted on his handling of the dialogue, saying, "Felix is less of a funny role. He's rooted in this Roman upringing and so his humor kind of bounces off Andy and the others for the majority of the film. It was great for me, because he's this uptight, tough, ridiculosly dilligent soldier and off-camera, I'm not that guy at all. As soon as they yelled cut, I would be cracking jokes easily funnier than the ones in the film, and I remember Travis saying, 'Damn, if only Felix could say that.' It's all about maintaining the histories of these two characters and how they interact on a comedic level, and a cultural one." Valdez gained close to twelve pounds of muscle for his role prior to filming.

**Annabeth Chase **as **Maya**: The best friend and love interest of Andy. Chase regarded the film as being very mentally demanding, as she is not typically known for comedic work.

**Drew Tanaka **as **Camilla**: The reluctant fiance of Felix, due to an arranged marriage. Tanaka described the film as her hardest feat yet: "I don't do action stuff. It's a comedy, but it's rooted in history, and it's very well-blended. When I'm not being some witty, prissy princess bitch, I'm kicking ass. Not what I signed up for but it's a lot of fun when you do this kind of stuff with the Stolls and Percy. They know how to make working out seem fun, which is beyond me."

**Nico Di Angelo** as **Hippolytus**: Andy's older, more famous brother, who is sworn to chastity under the goddess Artemis.

**Travis and Connor Stoll **as **Deimos **and **Phobos**: The two famous divine sons of Ares/Mars, god of War. The twin brothers were granted permission to parody the two Gods, and do not have much involvement, as they wrote and directed the film.

**Piper McLean** as **Phaedra**: Andy/Hippolytus' mother, and wife of Theseus.

Additionally, Timothy Runda, Athena, Ares, Aphrodite, Artemis, the Hunters, Jason Grace, and various other past cast members of Stolls' Show appear as small roles and cameos. The Gods play themselves.

* * *

**RATING:**

Hephaestus TV rated the film T for coarse language, suggestive content, drug/alcohol references, and comedic violence.

* * *

_**Since this is a film, technically, the story will be set up differently. Fans will have input on the story, and where the film goes. Also, a new feature: for every good review, the film will gross $1,000,000. For every bad review, the film will gain nothing, since films cannot go in the negative or "lose money." The goal is to get the film (story) to gross at least $30,000,000 (30 reviews) and, preferrably, surpass this amount and become a box office success.**_

_**Also, like real films, every review will be counted. If it is bad, or a "flame," the film will be panned. If it is good, the review will count towards the film's approval rating, out of 100%, much like Rotten Tomatoes. Each chapter will have an update on the box office amount as well as the approval rating. Sound fun? Let's try it!**_


	2. I Andy

_Long ago, in the land of Greece, mankind worshiped deities known as the Olympians...near-all-powerful Gods that governed the universe. In the beginning, there was Chaos, the void, who gave rise to Gaia, Mother Earth. She alone sired a number of offspring. One of these primordial beings, Ouranos, commanded the sky. Together with Gaia, the Titans were born. Which is kind of messed up if you think about it, I mean, that's his mother. But alas, the youngest of these, Kronos, was a power hungry being who wanted nothing more than absolute obedience from all below him. After the instruction of his mother to castrate his father, Kronos sired the original six Olympians: Hestia, Demeter, Hera, Hades, Poseidon, and the youngest, Zeus. After a complex situation that involved a man eating his own fucking children, Zeus tricked his obviously mentally impaired father into throwing up his understandably upset children, who promptly waged war against him. After the 11-year-long Titanomachy, Zeus, Poseidon, Hades, Hera, Demeter, and Zeus' children Athena, Apollo, Artemis, Hermes, Hephaestus, and Ares became the Twelve Olympians alongside the goddess Aphrodite, who literally rose from the balls of a dead Ouranos. Together they ruled over Greece and the world as supreme deities, some amiable, others temperamental. Soon, mankind would begin to interact with their leaders directly. This is that tale._

* * *

The King of Athens, Theseus, had four sons. Though most knew only three; Demophon, Acamas, and Hippolytus, his fourth son remained concealed from mythology: Andy. Although he was not weak or scrawny, nor unintelligent, Andy did not favor the violent and gluttonous life of his family and the Greek people. Rather, he preferred to write, often making his own fantastical stories involving famous heroes such as Heracles, Jason, and Achilles. Theseus did not approve of his son's creative interests; rather, he wished for his son to be a warrior and leader like his father and brothers before him.

One day, Andy stayed in the palace while his father and brothers went out to greet the citizens of Athens personally. He was crafting a prose tale about Heracles losing his abilities and living life as a mortal, yet still trying to battle monsters, and eventually dying. In the midst of a sentence, he heard a door creak open.

Through the doorway came Maya, the best friend (and crush, much to her unawareness) of Andy.

"Andy, are you still writing those ridiculous stories? You know you'll never get to share them," she said. "I doubt our world's finest heroes would appreciate the kind of farce you put them through in your tall tales."

"They are not farce," Andy snapped, obviously annoyed by her interruptance. "These are cleverly crafted stories starring the greatest heroes of our age. They should be taken seriously."

"That's why our city's theatres exist, Andy."

"Athen's theatre?" Andy scoffed at her. "Right. Because I totally want to watch the Athenian Arts Center perform their latest hit, 'Heracles Kills the Nemean Lion a Seventh Time for Whatever Fucking Reason We Can Come Up With This Week."

Maya chuckled. If there was one thing that made her hold Andy in high regard, it was his love for the arts and his sense of humor. Like him, she had no interest in violence and did not wish to be courted by any burly, strong Greek men. For now, she was content with her friendship with Andy, and balked at the idea of marrying him as her parents had pushed onto her. As if best friends who are clearly attracted to each other actually end up together at the end of a story. Pfft.

"That's a bit excessive, don't you think? The Athenian theatre program is a great network and it's given so many job opportunities for Athenian citizens. Why, just last week, we gave five openings downtown. That's more than we've had in over two years!"

"Maya, the Greek theatre network is about the only decent thing I can think of, living in this city." Andy rose from his seat in the palace and walked in front of Maya, putting down his papyrus and knife down on the floor.

"I mean look outside. You know that volcano has been erupting for over three days? No one has even mentioned it. The hunters came back from the woods the other day with fresh pheasant meat, and earlier at the dining pavilion they cooked and ate it after dousing it in nearly a pound of garlic. Know why? Because the charcoal in the air from the volcano has literally decimated their sense of taste and that's the only thing they can sense when scarfing it down their throats. Everyday people are killed by wild animals and random soldiers invading the city, probably because of Ares finding nothing better to do with his time, and let's face it, war and death tickle his fancy an awful lot more than rubbing one out on the throne does. My father was approached about the issue of food the other day, and when he couldn't answer, he had the peasants killed. So forgive me for not taking to this place so lightly."

"If you're not careful, the fair goddess Athena will hear you, Andy. Do not offend our Gods."

"Oh come now Maya, it's my fault this is such an awful town we live in? I highly doubt Athena has anything to do with it, and even if she did, why doesn't she just, I don't know, make like a goddess and fix it?"

Before Maya could respond, Hippolytus rushed into the room, panting. Andy jolted his head toward his brother and his eyes widened in response to his.

"Andy, we have visitors."

"If it's another Spartan, I swear to Zeus, Hippolytus, don't you dare offer another child, we're running low on our future as it is."

"No, they're a people. The new country...Romans have arrived to speak with us."

* * *

_**A/N:**__**Next chapter is the main Roman character's POV, or Leo's role. **_


	3. II Felix

_**A/N: A new addition: If the reviews are good or bad, once the approval rating is determined fairly, readers can offer a "critic consensus" much like review aggregators do online. I will select the best consensus (basically, conclusion on how good or bad the film/story is) and add it to the story in a preceding author's note. **_

_**Also, the more rave the film/story gets, my favorite reviews will be placed ahead of every new chapter with credit given to its author. And now, meet Felix!**_

* * *

_Long ago, as far back as 753 B.C., two brothers were born to the mortal Rhea Silvia, the virgin niece of Amulius, who killed her father and seized his throne. Their lineage was connected famously to the God of War, Mars. Abandoned upon birth, Romulus and Remus were carried by a river, nursed by a she-wolf, and fed by a woodpecker. Which truthfully sounds a bit farfetched; I mean, what two babies could possibly survive under such conditions? And who really cares if their father is a God, that doesn't excuse the fact that some woman just delivered two children and then decided it wasn't her cup of tea. But anyways, yada yada, a shepherd and his wife find and raise the two into adulthood (surprise surprise), and at the peak of their prime, the natural leaders decided to found a city. The two, however, disagreed starkly on where the city would be located. Unfortunately, a quarrel leads to the death of the younger brother, Remus, and Romulus founds the new city (and capital) of Italy: Rome, after his own name. Numa Pompilius, the second king of Rome, along with his wife Tatia, sired two children: Pompilia, a daughter, and his prized son, Felix. This marks the earliest stages of Rome's history, in its youth after foundation._

* * *

It was a hot day in Rome. Its citizens could tell by the sound of a hawk cry and a strange guitar twang. Deep within the walls of the city's palace, sat the king, Numa Pompilius, and his wife and queen, Tatia. A meeting with their son was to take place in that hour, and they impatiently awaited the prince's arrival.

Before either the King or Queen could complain, their son burst through the room's marble doors. His toga was purple, a sign of royalty, made from the juice of berries in the finest city gardens. His mother sported the same colored dress, while his father, as the high King, wore red.

"Father, what is it?" Felix said. His curly brown locks of hair resembled his father's, but his brown eyes cloned his mother.

"There has been a discussion of...marriage," Numa said evenly. Felix's eyes widened in horror.

"Father, we've discussed this. I have no desire to be wed."

"A prince, cannot become a king through any other means, my son."

"Be still, Felix," Queen Tatia said. She placed her hand softly on her son's shoulder, and though he hated to admit it, it soothed him away from his irritation with his father. "We've found you a bride. A beautiful, young Sabine woman. Her name is Camilla."

"You mean the race of people our founder Romulus raped and pillaged?"

Numa tensed and squinted at his son. "Our word _rapito_ means abduction, Felix. Not that awful American conventional translation."

"What is...'American'?"

"Never mind that."

Felix turned to the doorway as he heard it creak open, and in walked a beautiful maiden. She had chocolate brown hair that fell in ringlets, and gorgeous jewelry along her wrists. Her slightly tan skin was only a few shades lighter than Felix's, and he could not help but soften at the sight of her. In also walked Titus Tatius, the Sabine king...and his grandfather.

"Grandfather, what brings you to Rome on this day?" Felix said eagerly. He was always pleased to see his grandfather visit.

The kind nodded to his daughter and son-in-law, and then down to his slightly shorter grandson.

"I have come with a bride in hand for you, Felix. This is Camilla, one of our most beautiful maidens. You are to be wed as soon as you wish."

Camilla did not smile, but instead bowed slightly to Felix, her soon-to-be-husband. Felix returned the gesture. At the urging of his family, he exited the palace with Camilla, in order to familiarize himself with his future bride.

* * *

The two walked along the streets of Rome, trying to ignore the citizens greeting their prince aggressively.

"Do you enjoy the look of Rome, lady?" Felix said, only glancing for a mere second and then returning his gaze forward.

Camilla's expression remained the same: not a smile in sight. "It is beautiful, I admit. Your structure and organization are quite impressive."

Felix stiffened. "You don't seem rather amused."

"One never is when they are forced into something they did not intend for."

"I agree! Do you not wish to be married as well?" Felix stopped in front of Camilla, startling her a bit.

"I..." She paused, still unnerved by Felix's suddenly excitable nature. "I do not desire marriage, no. At least not to you, for I do not love you."

"I feel the same, lady!" he said. "I wish to marry for love, or at least someone I like. Perhaps...if we are forced into this...we could befriend one another?"

Camilla softened, and nodded. Felix did not comment, but he did detect a small blush on her cheeks.

* * *

As Felix led Camilla back to the throne room, the adults circled around the throne hastily, yelling out for their children upon entrance. The genuine laughter from Camilla and Felix was silenced immediately at the looks of their leaders.

"Felix, my son! Ready yourself." Numa held his hand out for Camilla and led her further toward the throne, as Felix stood still in confusion.

"Is something wrong, father?" he asked.

"Not at all my boy," Numa said, though still not smiling. "Have you heard word of the new city of Athens? We are traveling there to form an alliance before it is too late."

"Too late?"

"I am a just King, Felix." His father rushed back over to his throne and picked up his walking stick before turning back to his child. "When new cities arise, we must befriend and consul them, not pose as a threat!"

Before Felix could protest, his parents, Titus Tatius, and Camilla all walked past him and through the throne room doors, and headed for the boats.


	4. III Andy

_**A/N: As the current numbers indicate, **_**Rustlers **_**has grossed $1 Million and based on 1 review, has a 100% approval rating.**_

* * *

Andy and Maya rushed outside of the palace to greet the city's visitors. When they reached the steps, they looked on to a group of at least ten to twenty men and a few women, clad in white togas with purple sashes. Leading the group was a tall but lanky man with a white beard that descended down to his collarbones. He had a grand crown made of both golden and silver metals, encrusted with fine jewels along its center. Next to him stood a lean young man barely pushing his twenties, which pretty much meant he was by now going through his midlife crisis. His plentiful brown locks of hair stopped at his jaw and Andy could see his rich, brown eyes from even fifteen feet away. Though none of them smiled, not a frown was found amongst the crowd. Andy had hoped the newcomers were friends.

"And who might you people be?" asked Theseus. His face softened into a barely noticeable grin.

The King in front of him bowed slightly. His beard followed his jaw as he spoke: "I am Numa, King of the Romans. These are my people, and we have come to express our good nature. May Athens and Rome be allies?"

Theseus extended his forearm, and Numa the same, and the two grabbed each other's respective flesh succeeding the elbows. It was a Spartan shake, and for some reason, these two definitely-not-Spartan rulers felt the need to be historically _and_ culturally incorrect in their agreement.

The Romans and Athenians raised their weapons in the air, except for Old Man Jensen, Athens' best fish marketer, who clearly did not have much else of a choice other than to lift up the headless body of a salmon. All of them grunted out something that sounded an awful lot like "Huzahh!" No one bothered to tell any of them that the cry was from _Highlander_—or was that "Hoorah"?

Whatever the matter, Andy approached the two groups and shoved his way to the front to meet his father, while Maya stayed back, having no interest in the newcomers just yet.

"This is my youngest, Andy," Theseus said, pulling his son under his arm without warning.

Numa patted his son Felix on the back and inched him forward. "This is Rome's prince, and my successor, Felix. I assume they are near the same age."

"Well if they weren't, none of this plot would work anyway now would it?"

The two kings laughed, but Andy and Felix stood stoically. No one quite knew why both Theseus and Numa seemed to be so omniscient of the fact that they were in 753 B.C. They certainly had no fucking idea what "America" was. But alas, if they questioned the cracks in the fourth wall, they were sure it would eventually break.

Felix approached Andy and held out his forearm for another fantastic Spartan handshake. Andy obliged.

"Why don't you two get to know each other a bit?" Numa said. Theseus nodded in agreement.

The two young princes shrugged and walked off away from their royal fathers, who likewise went off to drink or torment women or whatever it was ancient rulers did for fun.

* * *

"So, what is it your people eat?" Felix said. "I could vie for some sustenance."

Andy looked around the city for eateries.

"Well," he began. "We pretty much just have a lot of bread and fish. Some wealthier people can afford the grapes and wine, though. The hunters skip out on the job sometimes, so food is a bit of an issue lately. And obviously we aren't getting a McDonald's anywhere for at _least_ fifteen-hundred years."

Felix nodded. "Our food is plenty but our variation is not. I often wish we could grow more cultured. Then maybe Mars would bless our kingdom."

"Mars?"

"He is our patron. Our deity. God of War."

Andy's eyes widened. "Dude that's awesome, we have a God of War too! We call him Ares. Well we kind of have two. One is more strategy. She goes by Athena."

The two sat down on the patio of a local restaurant (selling, yep, you guessed it, more damn fish). Felix began sharing his entire Parthenon with Andy, who did the same. Surprisingly enough, many of their deities matched up with one another. If they weren't careful, one might assume one _stole_ a culture from the other, or something crazy…haha...hahaha. *Cough* that would never happen. *cough*.

"So let's get this straight." Andy counted his fingers. "Jupiter is to Zeus, Neptune is to Poseidon, Pluto is to Hades, Juno is to Hera, Ceres is to Demeter, Apollo is still Apollo, Diana is to Artemis, Mars is Ares, Minerva is to Athena, Vulcan is to Hephaestus, Mercury is to Hermes, and Venus is to Aphrodite."

"It would seem so." Felix held up the piece of papyrus and eyed it carefully. He then placed it back on the table.

"Intriguing," Andy said, taking another piece, scribbling something on the page, and then putting it back under his belt. "This would make for a great story."

"You tell stories?" Felix said. Andy shrugged in response.

"Always wanted to be a scribe, I suppose. Not much of a fighter so why not a writer."

The two finished their fish, disposed of the utensils, and exited the pub. Fascinated by each other's mythologies, the two conversed all the way back to the Athenian palace. Unfortunately for them, their scrap of papyrus was left on the table.

**I just foreshadowed the next chapter.**

**Something bad is going to happen.**

**This is where we all gasp.**

* * *

_**A/N: Someone review this thing. $1 Million is a pathetic opening week. Let's not have this film fail. **__**Really pleased with the 100% approval though. Still, one review can't decide how good a movie is. GIMME MORE.**_

_**P.S. Stolls' Show is extremely hard to update until after this story/film is completed…but I'll see what I can do.**_


	5. IV Felix

_**A/N: Box Office - $2,000,000**_

_**Consensus: 90% **_

_**To Bingo Queen: Because your review was positive but also pointed out a few points of improvement, I assumed an 80% approval. **_

_**So basically, 100+80=180 and 180/2=90%!**_

* * *

"I look forward to this partnership, Theseus," said Numa, walking with the former leader under his arm. "You will not regret this."

"I do not think there is much to suggest I will."

As the two strolled, they came across a pub in town, and sat on the patio. Theseus placed his hand down and felt a scrap of papyrus under his palm, and pried it from his fingers. Unraveling it carefully, as it was fragile enough to break, he took out his reading glasses (they fucking made those in that time period?) and read it silently to himself.

Felix scanned Andy intently as the two made their way back to the palace. It was strange to find a man so…_uninterested_ in war, and bloodshed, such as him. Why on _Earth_ would a man want to be a scribe? Surely there couldn't be any joy or personal gain from writing fictitious accounts of existing heroes. Still, something spoke to Felix about this young "prince." Though he did stay his blade from the flesh of another, he still had a sense of bravery and loyalty to him. Felix figured he wouldn't mind much fighting beside Andy.

As the two reached over the hill to the palace courtyard, they could see both Romans and Athenians shouting and crying out, and some even shoving each other. In the center of the commotion, Felix and Andy saw their fathers arguing in each other's faces. Quickly enough, the two young men rushed down into the courtyard and shoved their way as close to the two leaders as was physically allowed.

"YOU DARE STEAL AWAY THE RICH CULTURE AND RELIGION OF THE GREEK PEOPLE?" Theseus cried out, being held back by his sons. Numa also attempted to gut the Athenian King with his spear.

"STAY YOUR BLADE FROM MY FLESH OR BE KILLED DISHONORABLY!"

Andy and Felix stood between their fathers, but the latter had drawn his spear towards Theseus.

"Whoa, man!" Andy said. "Put the spear away!"

"This man has threatened the likes of my father and my King. I shall KILL him dishonorably."

Andy stared down the tip of the weapon, which was mere inches from his throat. "No, no, no, let's all have honor. Come on. Honor is what's for dinner. Hey somebody pass the honor!"

Andy's humor did not please the bloodthirsty warriors on either side of him. Though they remained still, they had all selected targets and wished for the slightest chance to attack. Andy turned to his father.

"Dad, what is going on?" he said.

Theseus grunted and blew a stray tuff of hair from his face. "These cretins have stolen our culture and left nothing more than a _pathetic_ peace offering in return."

"What do you mean?"

Theseus jolted forward to shrug his sons off his arms, and then handed Andy the piece of papyrus from the table, all while still eyeing Numa. Andy took it and skimmed it, while Felix put down his spear and calmed down.

"Dad," Andy began, "this is not what it looks—"

"No more son," Theseus interrupted. "I banish these charlatans from the Pridelands—"

"Athens."

"Yes…Athens. Do not return Numa. Take your people and be gone from here."

The Romans stood for a few more seconds before lowering their weapons and turning on their heels. Numa stood proud and moved away from the Athenian king.

Felix stared with contempt at Andy, who shied away from his gaze. Before he could convince his father of the mistake, he had noticed the Greeks parting in the opposite direction.

* * *

**TWO DAYS LATER.**

_It has been two grueling days of my father plotting against the Greeks. Though I am aware of the folly, I cannot excuse the disrespect toward my King and father. My people plan an attack on Athens as I sit here, scribing this message for later reference. Perhaps my amiable colleague, Andy, has "rubbed off on me" as the peasant youths would say._

"Would you shut up?" A voice called from the other side of the room. Felix turned to see a palace hand glaring at him.

"I—What? I was just writing—"

"No, Prince Felix. You are saying everything out loud."

An eyebrow raised on Felix's forehead. "I could have sworn I was simply thinking silently—"

"Yes, well, my Lord, you are not. So please, though I do not wish to disrespect my authorities, I must say: please shut up."

Felix shook his head and returned to his scrap of papyrus. Suddenly, his shoulders raised in surprise as a loud Eagle cry was heard from outside the palace walls. He rushed to his window and watched at the majestic, impossibly large avian rushing towards him, with none other than papyrus locked in its beak. It neared his hand, which he reached out with to catch the magnificent beast on his arm—

_SPLAT_. Ohp. Yeah…the bird hit the wall.

Just as quickly, however, it flew back up toward Felix's arm and dropped the papyrus in his hand. He petted the head of the Eagle and signaled for the bird to exit. He then carefully unfolded the fragile material and read it, THIS TIME FOR SURE, to himself.

_**Felix:**_

_**I know you know what our fathers found. And we have two cities now preparing for war. We must convince our leaders together before the fight ensues or thousands of lives are bound to be lost. If you are truly as honorable as you have led your peers to believe, you will take my hand and join me on this quest. **_

_**Don't like, literally hold my hand or anything, I mean, you're cool and all but I don't feel for you like that. Not that you're not handsome or anything, I mean…I suppose in the event that I was a girl, you'd be attractive. But I'm not so. Yeah. Quest.**_

_**Andy**_

Felix clenched the papyrus and looked back out his window, up toward the bright sun. Sighing, he knew what he had to do to set things right.

* * *

_FLUSHHHHHH_. After releasing his bowels, which he had been itching to do for many hours, Felix stood up again, knowing what he had to do to set things right.

Felix was to travel to Athens and save two cities.

But he could not do it alone.


	6. V Andy

_**A/N: The film is unfortunately failing. I do so hope it becomes a sleeper hit.**_

* * *

Andy paced around his room waiting for his "guest" to arrive. There was no plan, no code, and no chance. He had never led anyone into battle or strategized for a war. He was scared shitless, and he was sure he would be laughed at by the very people he asked to trust him. He did not have to wait long, however, as the door began to creak and drag across the hard stone floor. In walked Maya, anxious and flighty; she made her way quickly to Andy's side.

"What's happened, Andy?" she said.

Andy grabbed her shoulders and pulled her aside, away from the doors and windows. "I have a contact."

"Felix?"

"Yes," he replied, "who happens to be on his way now, with Roman reinforcements. My father and Numa have doomed their people and there is no reason for us all to fight."

"What can we do?"

Andy thought for a second. "The fight's gonna start at Greece's shore, by the Ionian Sea. The Romans will sail in and attack us by the port. We have to intercept them, sail in between them, and explain everything."

"You want to get in-between two superpowers and expect to 'talk them out of it'?"

Andy shrugged and moved to say something, but before he could speak, the door opened again. Andy threw Maya to the side and moved away from the doorway to see who had entered his quarters.

It was Felix and his cohorts.

The two Greeks sighed in relief and approached the Roman prince with open arms. Felix did not grin, but he did grab Andy's forearm and shake it as a sign of respect.

"So these are the…reinforcements?" Andy said. Felix nodded and turned to his colleagues.

The one furthest to his left was Camilla, a young woman with tan skin, chocolate brown eyes, and a slender form. She did not look much like a fighter, but she was nonetheless extremely beautiful. The next was a muscular youth, Jovan, with blonde hair and electric blue eyes. Andy figured he was one of Felix's posse, regularly fighting beside his future king on the daily. The third, Magnus, was a skinnier man with long, black hair and brown eyes.

"How did you all manage to make it out of Rome without detection?" inquired Maya.

"It was a long, and tedious journey out of my city." Felix moved away from his fellows and walked closer to Andy and Maya. "A trek most dangerous."

* * *

"Would you all like to save Rome and Athens?"

"Yeah, why not."

* * *

"Wow," Andy sighed. "Fascinating, dude."

"So what is our plan?" Jovan said.

Maya rolled her eyes. "Andy plans to sail in-between the brigades and 'talk' them out of it."

The Romans eyed Andy with confusion, who shrugged in response. Yes, it was a crazy idea, but if Numa would not listen to Felix and Theseus wrote off him as well, how else would they prevent a war? Surely there was no chance of the intervention agitating the two powers further and causing even more violent bloodshed. That would be ridiculous.

Still, it was the best plan any of them could muster. That is, until Camilla spoke up.

"Well what if we prayed?" She moved back as Magnus swatted her arm in irritation.

"A waste!" he said. "You should know the Gods rarely intervene in mortal affairs."

"Unless," Andy interjected, "That mortal were to be half-God. Or, better yet, their child."

The youngsters took turns staring at each other back and forth.

"Your father," Felix suggested. "A son of Poseidon. You could pray to your—well, grandfather."

"The Lord of the Seas is a temperamental deity," Maya countered. "Your prayer is likely to go unanswered."

Andy thought for a second. If he could not pray to his grandfather…perhaps, just maybe, he could meet with him? The summer solstice had just passed, which meant the Gods would not meet again until December.

Wait a tick.

"Snow means winter, doesn't it?" Andy said. The others looked at him strangely.

"Obviously," said Felix. "What do you suggest?"

"What if we…tricked the Gods? What if we could simulate snow, and make them think it was winter. That way, we could take the weeks it would take for December to arrive to travel to Mount Olympus and ask the Gods to prevent the war."

Felix's expression remained stoic; unmoving. "That sounds stupid."

"Thanks bro." Sarcasm dripped from the young man's lips. "It's worth a shot. Look, I know a guy in the city. Sells flour. We could get a load of flour, climb to the highest tower of the city, and drizzle the power from the sky. Do it at night, so it's cold enough to trick everyone. Come on, this is our best shot."

The group thought amongst themselves. It was idiotic, no doubt. A monkey could have devised a more complex scheme. But what else choice did they have? Jovan approached Andy menacingly. The latter backed up slowly, unaware of whether he was going to be pummeled or hugged.

"If we follow you, it could be to our deaths," Jovan grunted. "Why should I entrust you with my life?"

Andy thought for a moment. "To be honest you probably shouldn't."

Jovan's face tightened more and more, as Andy clenched and winced along with it, until his face loosened completely and he bellowed in laughter.

"NOW THAT'S AN ANSWER I CAN WORK WITH!" Jovan, Magnus and Felix cried out and banged their spear tips against each other's, eager to go on the adventure.

"Alright then," Andy said, relieved. "Then to Athens it is!"

The four young men charged for the door in excitement, while Camilla and Maya gave each other disapproving looks. They both knew they'd be stuck with a group of idiots for the next two weeks, and they had no intentions of enjoying themselves.


	7. VI Felix

_**A/N: Gross - $3,000,000**_

_**Consensus – 93%**_

_**WARNING: Excrement jokes ahead. I apologize in advance.**_

* * *

Felix did not agree with Andy's plan at all. Surely, the Gods were smarter than that, right? No one would actually think flour could look like snow.

Yet still, he seemed to understand that this was truly their only real option. Without the Gods' help, they were basically dooming their cities to war. Too many men, women and children would pay the price for a trivial conflict such as a clash over cultures.

Getting the flour was easy. A few conversations with some local shops in town and suddenly the group was able to tote at least seven bags with them to the tower. The challenge then became climbing that building. Ladders weren't really a thing yet, so unfortunately for the group, scaling was their last—and frankly _only_—resort.

Jovan and Magnus climbed first, being the most athletically inclined. Maya and Camilla followed. Felix offered for Andy to climb next, and he vigorously shook his head despite being the bearer of the idea. Felix rolled his eyes and pushed him forward.

"Here's the thing, I've never actually climbed a building," he said. Felix continued to push him to the wall.

"Haven't you ever climbed a tree?" Felix said.

"No."

"Built a tree house?"

"What's a tree house?"

"It is—we have them in Rome in some of the suburban areas."

"Well no. Never had one. I can just wait down here while you guys climb."

"Do not be such a woman!"

"The women are actually climbing, Felix!" called out Magnus with a laugh. Felix looked back down at Andy and pushed him hard one last time before the latter finally gave in and placed his palms on the building wall.

* * *

Some few minutes later, much to Felix's surprise, Andy had made some progress up the wall. He climbed underneath him to ensure that he did not fall, but unfortunately this allowed the girls and other men to be many feet ahead of them along the height of the building.

"How do you fare, Andy?" said Felix. The Greek boy quivered.

"I think I just peed on you," he said. His comment caused the Roman prince to grimace.

"No! You do not drip on me, Athenian!"

"I'm so sorry man, I'm peeing. It's happening now."

"No, Andy! No! Do not drip on me!"

"God it's running down. There's so much pee Felix."

"By the Gods, Andy, if one drop of urine falls on my head, you will see your end!"

"I can't just ask the fucking pee to _not_ drip, Felix! You brought this on yourself when you asked me to climb!"

Camilla and Maya stopped to look down. The former chimed in. "He has not actually dripped on you, has he, Felix?"

Felix screamed out: "AAHH! NO! THIS INFERNAL ATHENIAN HAS DRIPPED HIS URINE ON MY HEAD!"

Andy shivered more. "Oh Gods, man, I am so sorry! I'll make it up to you, I promise, bro!"

Felix's face was now red. "AND HOW WILL YOU ACCOMPLISH THIS, BOY? WILL YOU RELEASE YOUR EXCREMENT ON ME NEXT?"

Andy's face fell into a sarcastic twist. "Dude, I'm scared. That doesn't mean I would ever take a shit on you."

"YOU HAVE JUST DRIPPED URINE ON MY HEAD BUT EXRCREMENT IS OUT OF THE QUESTION? THIS MAKES SENSE TO YOU, ATHENIAN? TRULY?"

"Just because someone accidently pees on someone out of fear does _not _mean he's gonna go around taking shits on everyone and their grandmother!"

"NOW YOU DROP DEUCE ON FRAIL ELDERLY WOMEN? YOU ARE AN IMBECILE! PRAY WE DO NOT BOTH MAKE IT TO THE TOP OF THIS TOWER, ATHENIAN. THE NEXT THING THAT WILL DRIP FROM YOU WILL BE YOUR OWN BLOOD!"

"MEN!" Camilla called out. "We are at the top."

Andy and Felix raised their hands one stone further up, and indeed found themselves on the surface of the tower with their other friends. Felix's face was heated, now wishing temporary death on his newfound ally for his actions, whether involuntary or not.

"Look man, I'm sorry," said Andy. "I'm terrified of heights."

"I will kill you where you stand."

"Boys!" said Maya. "We do not have time for this. We are here, we must sprinkle the flower. It is dark now."

* * *

Together, Felix and his men hoisted the bags of flour on their shoulders, while Andy took one of their swords to cut open each bag. One by one, handfuls of flour began to fall over the edge on onto the city streets below. As expected, citizens arose from their beds to witness what looked like, at least to the majority of them, like snow. Their huts were without windows and thus it certainly felt cold enough for the type of precipitation. Back on the tower, the six teens were smiling at their accomplishment. As Felix looked up, he saw lightning flash briefly.

Zeus had called the solstice.

Jovan and Magnus tossed the empty flour sacks across the tower top. Felix nodded to them and then looked up to the sky.

"What must happen now, Athenian?" said he.

Andy looked up to the sky and tried to sound serious. "We have to go to the solstice. Mount Olympus. We have to convince the Gods to help stop this war." He sniffed the air.

"Hey does someone smell piss?"


End file.
